Passing

it's past 1am and i can't wash the beauty of being alive from my mind.  i need to go to bed.  i need rest.  i'm off tomorrow and my son only gets me 2 full days a week and those days are special.  but the music ringing in my headphones soothes and my heart thinks that if i sleep, this endearing moment will be laid to rest.  i know it will return, but i'm here now, alive, loved, burdened and i need to pour forth if only for a moment...

my father, who happens to be my great hero in this world, buried his mother today (wednesday).  i wanted to go "home" and be with family and stand beside my dad as he said goodbye to his last parent.  $500 to fly home for one day.  my dad encouraged me that it would be okay to stay "home."  i did.  right or wrong, i don't know.  it's passed now.

my dad is in his mid-60's now, but i know that he, like all of us, is a child in his heart and mind.  i'm sure that he remembers with clarity, moments of childhood wonder, running mad to get home for dinner in time to escape being grounded.  i'm sure he remembers leaving home for the army and for college, saying goodbye for now to his parents as he started a family.....i'm sure he remembers tucking me into bed with my super hero pajamas on when i was 5.  i remember my moms peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and country time lemonade on summer days and my dad's tightly held grin after i was sent home from half-day kindergarten for causing ruckus...and i remember 3 years ago preaching a sermon 3 hours away from my wife when she went into labor with asher and driving home in a rain storm, on the side of the road changing a flat tire and not a care in the world 12 hours later when i met my son for the first time...he turned 3 last week...time passes...

i wonder if in the moments before grandma passed from this place, if she recalled being a little girl, adored by her parents...moments with her husband before the days of child rearing...moments of packing lunches, rushing kids off to school...holding her first grandchild...burying her husband...

time tucks itself away in attic boxes in our minds only to slip away as we sleep away another day.  we send out search parties for time-lapsed memories to recapture the moments...but with all its feeling, it passes in a blink.

i wasn't very close to my grandma.  does it matter that i wasn't?  connection is connection and my heart hurts for the cracked hearts of those i am close to, who were close to her.  my grandma knew the Lord on earth.  the man who brought her to Jesus and baptized her was the same man who baptized me in a bathtub on a chaotic tuesday at 3am when i was 17...my dad.

grandma's passing reminds me that webb city, missouri is no more my home than los angeles, california is. our lives here are a blink, a passing, a prelude to eternity.  and the resurrection of jesus of nazareth, the christ, is our only hope and home...and He is why and how we press on.  all else is smoke and mirrors, illusions. 

my friend, as you pass by this day, may you live simply, my your prayers have conviction even with few words.  may your fears and anguish give way to the passionate presence of Jesus that never fades or passes away...never.

Grandma with her grandkids @ Christmas.  Back row, left to right: me, Bryan (cousin), Chris (cousin), Mike (cousin).  Front row, L to R: Christina (cousin), Candice (my beautiful sister), Grandma Frizzell, Kim (cousin).

Dangerous Following

Dangerous Following

i watched "blood diamond" last night and besides being reminded of the fact that Leo is one of the most underrated actors of our day (think: what's eating gilbert grape, basketball diaries, gangs of new york, departed), the story touched me deeply.  the end credits tell you that there are over 200,000 abducted children soldiers in Africa.  i already knew that, but the story gave that knowledge a punch!  you can learn more and stand against this injustice; go to www.myspace.com/invisiblechildren... i automatically think of those in the midst of this crisis who follow Christ.  i wonder what their cries of justice sound like to God (similar to psalm 88 i'm sure).  i wonder what passage they hold tightly to as they follow Jesus surrounded by Muslim violence.  i was overwhelmed last night as i tucked Asher into bed (for the 3rd time that night) and kissed him and prayed over him--overwhelmed at the fact that he was born here in the US and reminded that "where you live shouldn't determine whether you live or die." i want to share an email i received today from a friend as a prayer request -- the request comes from two missionaries in northern Africa... "Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man." Luke 6:22 (NIV) Veronica and I just read this passage today without knowing how it would affect us and our friend just a few hours later. Our good friend and brother, Mohammed BMT, is in great need of prayer for the next few days. He has been a great tool for the Lord and now the enemy is starting to get nasty. Just today, some extremists came and visited Mohammed's dad (who is very open and is reading the Bible) and told him that if Mohammed didn't return to Islam, they would kill him. They said that they were tracking him in the capital where he studies and if he returned to the church again, they would kill him. We know we are in a spiritual war in which our enemy is not flesh and blood, but Satan himself. But, this is how the battle looks sometimes. Here are some verses from the Quran that unfortunately motivates these guys: "9.5": So when the sacred months have passed away, then slay the idolaters wherever you find them, and take them captives and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush, then if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, leave their way free to them; surely Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. "4.47-48": You to whom the Scriptures were given! Believe in that which We have revealed, confirming your own scriptures, before we obliterate your faces and turn them backward, or lay Our curse on you as We laid it on the Sabbath-breakers. Just a day or so ago, Mohammed met an Australian on the train who was here to seek peace and understanding in his life. Mohammed was able to share the gospel with him and at the end of the ride, the guy thanked him for sharing God's love and truth with him. He prayed and asked Jesus into his heart. Praise God! So, Mohammed is a target right now and he needs our prayers.  Because of his concern for his family (mother, father, younger sister, and two brothers) Mohammed has gone to another town to stay for a while. He wants to be alone to gather his thoughts. We must remember that God is the victor and Satan is the loser. In the midst of opposing these guys and their evil deeds, we must also love them with the love of Christ. No one is too bad for Jesus to save, like Saul who became Paul. Our God is a Consuming Fire and may He get the glory He deserves for His great deeds. Please join us in praying: -For Mohammed's faith to grow stronger, not weaker due to the threats -For him to be spiritually refreshed and encouraged -That he would encounter Jesus in a personal way -For his protection and the protection of his family -For his father and sister and brother to have and even stronger interest in Jesus after the violent threats -For his town, BMT, to come to faith family by family -For the guys who want to do this, that their evil plan would be suppressed by the Lord and that they would come to real knowledge of who Jesus is -For this whole thing to eventually serve to unify and embolden the church and that fear would die We cling to these verses: Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" John 11:25-26 (NIV) for most of us, it's not physically dangerous to follow Jesus.  in some ways we can be thankful for that...yet in other ways, as we weep for those who weep, we must beg Jesus for the discipline and opportunities to grow deeper and to be changed today from who we were yesterday.  i want my son to be safe as he grows up.  i want him to laugh, enjoy life, love and dance.  but not at the expense of growing inward and shallow; not at the expense of loving things more than people; not at the expense of spiritually dying in apathy.  my prayer and hope is that he can experience both safety and life-change through knowing Christ.  i pray the same for you too.

best job in the world...

this weekend i went on a snowboard/purity retreat with about 100 high school students.  i love my job.  sure: camps, retreats and events are fun.  but i love getting away with the greatest age group in the world and doing life together for a few days.

we got to the slopes late on friday afternoon but it was so much fun watching the kids who were skiing/boarding for the first time...what a hoot! 

friday night the music and worship and our m.c. "jim flenderman" was all amazing.  the purity police were on patrol and that made me laugh (see the www.hsministry.org soon for those videos).  we watched "goonies" as preparation for our 80's dance party the next night.

doc jacob's sermon friday night was so timely...a fresh new voice...and my good friend.

saturday, i got to go down some double black diamonds with my students.  wow, the scenery took my breath away more than once.

saturday night, after our worship service, around 11pm, our kids came into our meeting room that was transformed into a dance party that looked like it was transported from a 1980's prom.  all the kids and leaders were dressed up in our best 80's digs.  we started off with a live rendition of "ice, ice baby."  i loved standing in the distance watching high school kids, who are bombarded everyday with all kinds of junk from every direction, just for a little while, get to cut loose like they did when they were little...just getting to laugh and dance and be goofy.  freeze dance, free dance, lip sinc, dance contest...

dominique and daniel...you are both so amazing.  thank you for loving us and planning this night for all of us.

i love the kids that i get to see every week and go on trips like these with.  i love the kids who i get to share the teachings of Jesus with each week.  i love their friends who they invite to come and hang out and hear about Jesus. 

sometimes (too often) i'm trusted by a young person with the hardships in their life.  sometimes i'm told things by these "kids becoming adults" that are so heavy i think my heart will explode.  and then i drive home and listen to music or melt in silence or turn the volume down and pray outloud and cry.  pain and heartache are real and it runs like a blood vein throughout this generation.  i don't have all the answers; i don't even have very many of the answers. 

but when i get to ski with, eat with, listen to stories, worship with, read scripture with, have a dance party with, laugh with and pray with these high school students...even in the midst of hurt...i sense the hope that rests with the light at the end of the tunnel and i'm reminded that i have the best job in the world and that God loves me.

to my HSM kiddo's: i love you so much.  thanks for being you, for waking up each day and clinging to Jesus.

shadows...

it's funny how time tricks us into thinking that because we're older, we're smarter.  on our best days, maybe we are wiser; but wisdom is simply the nostalgia of regret...   here is the thought that keeps crashing into my mind: there are no such things as shadows without light.  we've all got them…shadows.  in the midst of life and the light of day all around us, our shadows are cast to remind us of dark, sleepless nights.  like modern day peter pans we try our best to seize them, tuck them neatly into the forgotten past and move on.  yet, slipping through our fingers, they dash back into the black.  curious and stubborn as we are, we often follow them back into the dark nights.    i too have shadows.  and you can bet that I've tried for years to catch them and forget, but most often i come up empty handed, left with only memories and a choice: humble growth or humiliated defeat.    so i've learned to follow the shadows back, cautiously, into the darkened past, realizing that the light is only a few steps behind me and clinging to the hope that I can find my way back.    i'm not speaking of the tip-toed, backward dance toward our old sins.    on one hand, i'm simply being sentimental at 1:30 on a wednesday morning.  but on the other hand (and i only have two), i am speaking of the neglected discipline of introspection, of looking back at who we were and understanding that much of that reality gave birth to who we are.    the light is a gift.  the shadows it casts provoke in us the possibility of courage to submit to the unseen hand, allowing Him to bring perspective from our past, hope to our present and whole-life-change to our future.   1 corinthians 1:26, the message: take a good look, friends, at who you were when you got called into this life.

A Conversation with Sin

Hello again dark leech; plague of my heart.
Through stained and blurry windows I see you.
Your shadow cast, it resembles something so familiar…me.
Crawling, you linger.
Whispering, screaming. 
Hidden, exposed.  
Your appeal is ancient, unchanging.
On display, dung splattered and available for every heart in every age. 

First taste is sweet…always…but plunges down like vomit…always. 

My heart and stomach in knots.  Regret rising.  I cower, cringing.

Yet I tip toe toward your lure.  Sometimes eagerly. 

Sometimes with one hand on the exit door.  The provided way out. 

Too often I let go of the handle and creep into the familiar disgust of your night. 

"Maybe tomorrow I'll find my way back.  Maybe tomorrow."  

The stench of decay settles until I barely notice.

But mercy calls out, faint and distant sounding.
Yet beside me He stands. 

"Return.  Walk through.  Close the door.  Let go." 

slow rising serenity.  Cloaked in eventual brilliant light. 

Murmurs of wisdom.  
Nostalgic echoes of those who've gone before me. 

I need language to instruct my heart.  To return, yes.  But to stay. 
To be.  To refuse my sugar coated death desires that consume me.

To the One who stands beside me here in this cage I've birthed. 

"Help.  I'm returning.  At the door.  Pausing...walking through. 
Closing.  Letting go.  Not looking back.  Forward.  Light.  I'm here.  I'm listening."

Be still my soul.  Stay.  Remember.

[inspired by the lifelong experience of being a sin-addict and James 1:13-15, 1 Corinthians 10:13, and Ecclesiastes 12:1]

Currently Reading The Hungering Dark By Frederick Buechner see related